


Nico v.s the Homo Sapiens Agenda

by ellenistrash



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, nico di angelo - Fandom
Genre: Banter, Connor is a bit of an ass, Doggos - Freeform, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Nico di Angelo is a Little Shit, Simon vs the Homo Sapiens AU!, come for me, i dont know what i'm doing, i was bored, ill add as i continue, im bad at tagging, jason has obvious love eyes, jason is a philosophical dork, jason wears contacts, nico doesn't fall for CONFIRMED straight guys, nico likes oreo milkshakes, no one really likes drew, piper is a cheerleader, reyna has a crush on jason, reyna is the queen of deadpanning, sorry - Freeform, sue me, we love legends stanning legends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-04-19 03:11:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14227860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellenistrash/pseuds/ellenistrash
Summary: *Insert summary for Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda here*  Nico di Angelo, a closet high school junior who has a total of three friends: his partner in crime Reyna, his bestest buddy Jason, and his new friend Piper. While he prefers to save his drama for the school musical, he can't seem to avoid it when an email falls into the wrong hand; his secret is at risk of being thrust into the spotlight.





	1. "I'm sorry, you took a fucking screenshot?!"

It's a weirdly subtle convo; I almost don’t notice I'm being blackmailed.

 

  We're sitting in metal folding chairs backstage, then Connor Stoll says, "I read your email."

 

   "What?" I look up, my black hair falling near my eyes.

 

   "Earlier, in the, uh, library." Connor scratches the back of his neck awkwardly." Not on purpose, obviously."

 

   "You read my email?"

 

   "Well, I used the computer right after you," he says, "and when I typed in Gmail, it pulled up your account, I guess you forgot to log out."

 

   I stare at him, dumbfounded. He taps his foot against the legs of his chair, I habit he surely picked up from his sibling.

 

   "So…what's the point of the fake name?" he asks.

 

  _'Well, I'd say the point of the fake name was to keep people like Connor Stoll from knowing my secret identity, guess that worked out brilliantly.'_ I think to myself before replying.

 

   "I don't know what you're talking about." I turn back to my script.

 

   "I saw you sitting at the computer before me."

 

   "…and?"

 

   "The tab was open to Gmail." He deadpans. "I didn’t read your screen then, I was just waiting for a computer to become available, I really need-ed to print my essay."

 

   ' _And I guess I'm a monumental idiot._ ' I look back up again, eyeing him dead in the eye, hoping to scare him off. He offers me a smile instead. "Anyway, I thought it might interest you that my brother is bisexual."

 

   "Not really, no." He looks at me. I feel myself getting defensive, "What are you trying to say?"

 

  "Nothing. Look, Di Angelo, I don't have a problem with it. It's no big deal, really."

  

   "Except it's a little bit of a disaster, actually." I mumble. ' _Or possible an epic fuckstorm of a disaster, depending on whether Connor can keep his mouth shut._ ' I add in my mind.

 

   "What?" Connor asks, which I reply with a shrug. We stay in silence for a few seconds before Connor decides to break it. He laughs to break the silence. "Uh, so this is really awkward."

  

   I don't know how to reply without sarcasm, so I chose the latter. Once again, silence with thick tension. Connor decides to break it again." It's pretty obvious that you don't want people to know. I don't mean it sarcastic-ly or anything."

  

   "I mean, I guess I don't. However, the **whole** coming out thing doesn’t scare me." I offer instead of my usual one sided ignorance. The brown haired boy raises an eyebrow at me. "I don't think it scares me."

 

  "Is that why you haven't come out yet?" He whispered, but it's not like anyone would hear him otherwise, we were the only ones backstage.

 

   "It's because it's a giant holy box of awkwardness, Stoll. And no, I won't pretend I'm looking forward to it." I roll my eyes." Plus, I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me."

 

   The problem is, I don't know what it would mean for **Hellen**. If Connor were to tell anyone, I don't know if **Hellen** would be okay with it. The thing about **Hellen** is that he's kind of a private person, the kind of person who wouldn’t forget to log out of his email. The kind of person who might never forgive me for being so totally careless. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know what it would mean for **Hellen** and me.

 

  "I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you, of all people." I groaned; Connor seemed to have taken slight offense to that. "Don't take this the wrong way, or do, but of all people who could have logged into Gmail after me…"

 

   "Wouldn't have happened if you used your computer instead." Connor tried to joke.

 

   "I would have but it was dead, should've just waited I guess." I respond coldly, ignoring his joke. It was one of those days were I couldn't wait until I was home or wait to check my phone in the parking lot since the wireless wasn’t blocked there. I notice Connor's smile falter a bit, and somehow my conscious starts working again. I sigh before offering some banter back, "It's because us kids these days weren't taught patience, ya know."

 

Connor snorts nodding, "Yeah…um, you know people would be cool about it, you should be who you are. " I think he noticed my "really?" look, because he continued. "I know, here I am, some straight kid who barely knows you, advising you on coming out. Go ahead, roll your eyes at that. Just know, I'm not going to show anyone."

 

  For a minute, I'm stupidly relieved, then it hit me. " _Show anyone? **Did you-did you take a screenshot or something?**_ "

 

  He fidgets with the hem of his shirt, his expression makes my stomach clench. "Well, I wanted to talk to you about that."

 

  "I'm sorry- _you took a fucking screenshot?_ " I asked again, agitated. This wasn't good at all and my brain could not think of a way to get out of this situation.

 

   He purses his lips and stares over my shoulder, onto the stage, the famous Stoll smirk appearing in his face. "Anyway," he says looking back at me, "I know you're friends with Piper McLean, so I wanted to ask-"

 

   "Seriously? Could we go back to you telling me why you took a **_fucking_** screenshot of my emails?"

 

   He pauses. "I mean, I guess I'm wondering if you want to help me talk to Piper."

 

  I almost laugh. "So what- you want me to put in a good word for you?"

 

  "I wouldn't put it that way," he says, "but basically, yeah."

 

   "And why the hell should I do th-" Suddenly it clicks. This Piper thing, this is what he wants from me. This in exchange for not broadcasting my private fucking emails. ' _Holy fuck, and Hellen's emails too,_ ' my mind adds. I let out curse words in my mind.

 

   "You're actually going to make me do this, " I say.

 

   ' _Jesus Christ , I guess I figured Connor was harmless. A little bit of a troublemaker with his brother and friends, sure, but it's not like it's a completely bad thing_.' I quickly thought, ' _And I've always thought he was kind of hilarious. Except I'm not laughing now._ '

 

   Connor shrugged,  as if he was mocking my actions in the beginning of this conversation. "Make you? Come on, it's not like that."

 

   "Really? What is it like, then?" I narrowed my eyes at him. He seemed unaffected.

 

   "It's not like anything. I mean, I like this girl, who just happens to be your friend. I was just thinking you would want to help me here, invite me to stuff when she'll be there. I don't know." He gave an innocent smile.

 

   "And what if I don't? You'll put the emails on Instagram? On the fucking Tumblr?"

 

   Jesus, the Aphrodite Tumblr, ground zero for Pine Hills High School gossip. Anything posted there alerted the entire school within a day.

 

   We're both quiet.

 

   "I just think we're in a position to help each other out." Connor finally says.

 

   "I knew this conversation was turning out too well before it spiraled. "I glare at him before I hear Mr. Miranda call Connor to the stage.

 

   "Paging Con, Act Two, Scene Three." He says poking his head through the curtains before heading back.

 

   "So, just think about it." He dismounts his chair.

 

   "Oh yeah. I mean, it's so goddamn awesome," I say, rolling my eyes. He looks at me, and there's this weird silence that rolls around. I finally add, "I don’t know what the hell you want me to say."

 

   "Well, whatever." He shrugs, smiling. I don't think I've ever been so ready for someone to **_fucking_** leave. But as his fingers graze the curtains, he turns to me. " Just curious, who's Hellen?"

 

  "If you think I'm selling him out, you're **_fucking_** crazy. Either way, he lives in England." I lie, eyeing him until he leaves. Hellen doesn't live in England, he lives here and goes to our school. Hellen isn't even his real name, he's someone. ' _He might even be someone you know_.' I think to myself, ' _but then again, I don't know who and I'm not sure I want to know_.'

 


	2. "One time. I said it once. Stop coming for me."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio has silly banter in Jason's basement while filling themselves with necessary nutrients needed to survive.

I'm seriously **not** in the mood to deal with my family. I probably have about an hour until dinner, which means an hour of trying to spin my school day into a string of hilarious anecdotes that my family will enjoy. It's not like I can just tell them about the English teacher's obvious wedgie, or Leo dropping his tray in the cafeteria, I have to **perform** it.

 

  ' _Talking to them is more exhausting than keeping a blog_ ,' I say to myself while heading down the stairs. ' _Which is funny, since I used to love the chatter before dinner. Now it seems like I can't get out the door fast enough_.'

 

   I stop long enough to click the leash onto Mrs. O'Leary's  collar and get her out the door.

 

 As I try to lose myself in the Panic! At the Disco music blasting through my earbuds, I can't help to think about **Hellen** and Connor Stoll and the holy awfulness of today's rehearsal.

 

  _'So Connor is into Piper, just like every other straight boy in Advanced Placement,'_ I replay in my head. _'And he wants for me to let him tag along when I hang out with her…okay, that's not that bad_.'

 

  I feel myself frown as my brain adds on. ' _Except he's blackmailing me and by extension **Hellen**_.' Great, now I have the urge to kick something. However, 'This is Gospel' really helps calm me down, and walking to Jason's helps too.

 

  The breeze smells of that early fall feeling and pumpkin spice latte and people are already lining their steps with Halloween décor. I love that, loved it since I was a small fetus.

 

  'Small fetus, thanks for that increase in vocabulary, Leo.' I laugh as I cut through Jason's backyard with Mrs. O'Leary and go through the basement.  

 

  There's a massive TV facing the door, in which zombies are currently being absolutely **rekt**. Jason and Reyna have taken over a pair of rocking video game chairs. Jason pauses the game as I walk in, which is something he won't do for everyone.

 

  "Have you guys not moved all afternoon?" I comment as I remove Mrs. O' Leary's leach.

 

  "Mrs. O'Leary!" Reyna exclaims, putting down the controller. Within seconds, she perches awkwardly with her butt in her lap, tongue out and leg thumping. She's so freaking shameless around Reyna, which is understandable, since Reyna's dogs are her parents.

 

 "Yeah, it's cool. Just greet the dog, pretend I'm not here." I sigh dramatically, falling on the couch behind them.

 

  "Aww, do you need me to scratch your ears and rub your belly?"

 

   I crack a smile, feeling the sense of familiarity fall upon me. "That would be nice, yes."

 

   Reyna rolls her eyes at me and I look up to the screen. "Nice, you guys finally got to Round 25?"

 

  "Oh yeah, you can bet we did." Jason pats the controller.

 

  "It was all me." Reyna says and Jason lets out a laugh.

 

  Seriously, there is no part of me that cares about Call of Duty or how hard it is to pass Rounds or any first person shooter games ever, but I think I need this. I need the violence of video games and the smell of Jason's basement and the comforting aura of my best friends. I need the rhythm of our banter and the silences, the aimlessness of mid-October afternoons.

 

  "Oh, Nico! Jason hasn't heard about _se wedgie_."

 

   I smile, "Ohhh, _se wedgie. Thee will_ _brūcest se_ _bīspell._ "

 

   "I still do not understand Old English," says Jason.

 

   "Or regular English." Reyna receives another playful punch from the blonde.

 

  Turns out, I'm kind of awesome at reenacting epic wedgies. So maybe I do like to perform, a little. I think I'm getting that Jason-and-Reyna sixth-grade field trip feeling, which is what I used to describe perfect, stupid moments with just the three of us. Connor Stoll doesn’t exist, depression doesn't exist, and secrets don’t exist in these kinds of moments.

 

   Stupid, perfect moments.

 

  Reyna rips open the papers straw wrapper and inserts it in the giant Styrofoam cup full of sweet tea. "Oh, by the way, we bought you an Oreo milkshake."

 

  Reyna points at the coffee table were a the giant vessel of frothy deliciousness does indeed lie. I haven't been to Chick-fil-A since my sister heard they donate money to screw over gay people. I guess it started to feel weird eating there since, ya know, **I'm very straight**.

 

  "Thanks guys." I reach over to get the milkshake while Jason takes a swig of his tea and yawns. Reyna immediately tries to launch a little paper wad into his mouth, but Jason retaliates by shutting his mouth.

 

  Reyna shrugs, "Just keep on yawning, sleepyhead. I'll get you one day."

 

  "Why are you so tired?" I ask, taking a sip of the Heaven sent drink. "Have you been fighting crime late at night again?"

 

  Both of them laugh, for we have this running joke that Jason is blonde superman thanks to him dressing up as the D.C character and thinking he could fly way back when.

 

  "Nah, it's cause I been partying hard." Jason has a serious look in his face. "All night. Every night."

 

  "If by "party" you mean staying at home crying over Stranger Things and doing your geometry homework, then yes, you party very hard sir." Reyna adds.

 

  "WHATEVER, **RARA** " He leans back, yawing again. This time, Reyna's paper wad grazes the corner of his mouth. He flicks it back towards her.

 

  "Rude much?" Reyna says as Jason takes his turn rolling his eyes.

 

  "So, I keep having these weird dreams," he starts.

 

  I raise my eyebrows. "Yikes. TMI?"

 

  "Um. Not that kind of dream, dude."

 

  Reyna's whole face goes red. "Okay…"

 

  "No, just," Jason quickly continues. "like actual weird dreams. Like I dreamed I was in the bathroom putting on my contacts, and I couldn't figure out which lens went in which eye."

 

  "Okay. So then what?" Reyna's face is buried in the fur on the back of Ms. O'Leary's neck, causing her voice to sound muffled.

 

  "Nothing, I just woke up! I put my contacts in like normal, and everything was fine."

 

  "Boringggg." Reyna says, "Isn't that why they label the left and right sides of the containers?"

 

  "Or why people should just wear glasses and stop touching their eyeballs?" I sink crossed legged onto the carpet and my dog slides out of Reyna's lap to wander towards me. Reyna scoffs jokingly and Mrs. O'Leary goes back to her out of guilt. I stick my tongue at her.

 

  "Yeah, because my glasses make me look like blonde Harry Potter, right, Nico?"

 

  "One time. I said it once. Stop coming for me." Reyna laughs along with Jason while I lay my head back on the sofa.

 

  "Well, anyhow, I think my unconscious is trying to tell me something." Jason can be pretty single-minded when he's feeling intellectual. "Obviously, the theme of the dream is vision. What am I not seeing? What are my blind spots?"

 

  "Your music collection?" I suggest.

 

  "Bricks and other things that could bring harm to your **actual** vision." Reyna joins.

 

  "Oh! Your-" Jason interrupts me.

 

  "This wasn't an invitation to roast me." He rocks back in the video game chair and takes another swing of his tea before continuing. "Did you know Freud interpreted his own dreams when he was developing his theory? He believed that all dreams are a form of unconscious wish fulfillment."

 

  Reyna and I look at each other, and I can tell we're thinking the same thing. It doesn't matter that he's quite possibly talking complete bullshit, Jason is quite irresistible when he's on one of his philosophical moods.

 

  Of course, I have a strict policy of not falling for straight guys. _'At least, confirmed straight guys._ ' I mentally add.

 

  Reyna, however, has fallen. It’s cause all kinds of problems, especially now that Piper's in the picture.

 

  At first, I didn't really understand why Reyna hated Piper, she hadn't done anything to her, at least that I was concerned of. When I asked her about it directly all I got was her deadpanning.

 

  "Oh, she's the _best_. I mean, she's a _cheerleader_. And she's so _cute_ and _skinny_. Doesn't that just make her so amazing?"

 

  I eventually noticed Jason switching seats with Will Solace at lunch- calculated switching, designed to maximize his odds of sitting near Piper. Then the eyes, the famous Jason Grace lingering, lovesick eyes, basically the equivalent of 'Heart Eyes Howell' and 'Love Eyes Lester'. We'd been down that vomit-inducing road before with Drew Tanaka at the end of freshman year. Though, I have to admit there's something fascinating about Jason's nervous intensity when he likes someone.

 

  ' _When Reyna sees that look pass across Jason's face, she just shuts down_.' I think, frowning a bit. ' _Wait, that's a good reason to be Connor Stoll's wingman matchmaker bitch. If Connor and Piper hook up, maybe the Jason problem will just…go away. Reyna can chill out and all equilibrium will be restored._ '

 

  So it's not just about me and my secrets, it's hardly about me at all…right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Se wedgie. Thee will brūcest se bīspell
> 
> The wedgie. You will enjoy the story.
> 
> It's 1 am at night, what am I doing with my life.


	3. the dreaded "okaaay."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emails between the two gays

FROM: deathtodeath.poortorich@gmail.com  
TO: hellenhalfblood@gmail.com  
DATE: Oct 17 at 12:06 A.M  
Subject: Re: when you knew

That's a pretty sexy story, Hellen. I mean,  
middle school is like this endless horror show with no Evan Peters. Well, not endless because, ya know, it ended. But it doesn’t matter who you are, puberty is merciless.

Out of curiosity, have you seen him since the  
wedding?

I can't recall when I figured it out since it was a bunch  
of little things. Example: a weird dream about Brendon Urie, how I was obsessed with MCR in middle school (still sorta am) and then I realized it wasn't just about the music (even though their music is amazing and they need to get back together).

Oh gosh, then eight grade. I had a girlfriend and it was  
one of those "we are dating but we only ever hold hands in school" kinda relationship. So, we went to an eight-grade dance as a couple, but my friends and I spent the whole night eating Cheetos and spying on people from the snack bar. At one point this girl tells me my girlfriend is waiting in front of the gym and that I was supposed to go find her and I guess "make out" in that closed-mouth middle school way. 

Here is my proudest moment: I ran and hid like a  
freaking preschooler in the bathroom, crouched on the toilet and stayed there all evening until I decided to call my mom because kids were "drinking alcohol". Also, did I mention it was Valentine's Day? I'm the classiest of them all. I never spoke to her again after that and vice versa.

This is officially the longest email I've ever written, you may actually be the only person who gets more than 140  
characters from me. The privilege is real. Consider yourself blessed, haha.

Anyways, I'll sign off here, it's been quite a weird day.

~Angel

 

 

FROM: hellenhalfblood@gmail.com  
TO: deathtodeath.poortorich@gmail.com  
DATE: Oct 17 at 8:46 P.M  
Subject: Re: when you knew

I do feel quite blessed knowing I'm the only one, Angel. It's hilarious, 'cause like, I never email either? I usually just  
use Instagram dm's. Also, I never talk about this stuff with anyone. Only you.

If it counts, I think it would be truly depressing if your actual proudest moment happened in middle school. You  
can't imagine how much all of us hated middle school. This is where one of my friends would promote Bo Burnham's movie 8th grade. Anywho, remember the way people would look at you blankly and say, "Um, okaaay," after you finished talking? I was the king of that. The worst part, I just had to make it clear to everyone that whatever they were thinking or feeling, they were totally alone. It makes me really sad just remembering that.

My point is that you should give yourself a break, we were all awful then and honestly, still are now. 

And to answer your question, I've seen him a couple times since the wedding- maybe twice a year or so. My  
stepmother has a lot of family reunions and shit. He's married and his wife is pregnant? I think. I don’t really know. It's not really awkward since the whole thing was in my head. I'm sure he still thinks of me as his cousin's weird twelve-year-old stepson. It's amazing how someone can trigger your sexuality crisis and not have a clue about it. 

Okay, this is an obvious question but I'll ask it anyways: If you knew you were gay, how did you end up having  
girlfriends? Also, sorry about your weird day.

\-- Hellen

 

FROM: deathtodeath.poortorich@gmail.com  
TO: hellenhalfblood@gmail.com  
DATE: Oct 17 at 11:15 P.M  
Subject: Re: when you knew

Hellen,  
Yup, the dreaded "okaaay." Always accompanied by arched eyebrows and a mouth twisted into a condescending little butthole. And hey, I said it too, usually because I thought it made me look edgy. We all sucked so much in middle school.

And I guess the girlfriend thing is a little hard to explain. Everything just sorta happened? The eight-grade  
relationship was a total mess (off topic but eight-grade is genius and deserves all the love), obviously, so that was different. As for the other two I've had: basically, they were friends, and then I found out they liked me, and then we started dating. Then we broke up, which was pretty painless since both of them dumped me. I'm actually still friends with one of the girls I dated.

Tbh, the real reason I had girlfriends was because I didn't one hundred percent believe I was one of those  
homosexuals. Or well, I didn't think it was "permanent", maybe me confusing stuff and such. Which now that I think about is kinda silly. 

I know what you're thinking: "Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay."

~Angel

 

FROM: hellenhalfblood@gmail.com  
TO: deathtodeath.poortorich@gmail.com  
DATE: Oct 18 at 8:01 A.M  
Subject: The obligatory…

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  
(Eyebrows, butthole mouth, etc.)

\-- Hellen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, i updated

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I'm doing, soz


End file.
